Wednesday, January 7, 2015

"We Don't Have a Nursery, We Have a Movie Room with a 60" TV"

During my  "Coffee/Internet Break" I ran across an article that reminded me of why this topic that I am about to breach really pushes my buttons.

Warning! This post is laced with sarcasm. Those with low tolerance for criticism should exit now. 

Exhibit A

Ok, do I really need to ask "What do you see wrong with this picture?" And before you jump all over this post, please note that I am not attacking the "natural art of breastfeeding" nor am I attacking parents or their methods. I am attacking our culture.
I am not going to beat around the bush. I am just not supportive of breastfeeding past 1 year. Anything past that is just looking for attention. We seem to have hit upon a phase of time where women find there martyrdom and self appreciation by having babies, having babies in the dark (no medical interference of any kind) breast feeding well into the toddler years, whipping out a boob in public to feed a child, debating with other moms about their methods and downing other moms about their lack of success. I am tolerant of none of these things I just listed.
Now, as I am sure you  have gathered from the title of my blog, I have no children. However, I come from a family of seven. My husband is from a family of 14. So definitely used to kids and big families. I am currently the only one from my circle of friends that hasn't started having kids. Why? Because I fully believe that marriage is marriage and having kids is having kids. Two totally different things. I don't believe that part of marriage is having children, I don't believe that it is expected of us and don't believe that we are failing as Christians by not immediately providing the earth with more godly offspring.
What I do believe is that when we get married we make that commitment with another person standing in front of you not nonexistent children. I believe that it is not expected of us to have to have kids because there are so many women unable to have kids and couples in general unable to have kids (which by the way, if a couple is incapable of having kids, I don't believe artificial insemination is ok, it's not. God has created a reason for you to not be able to have children. Perhaps he wants you to adopt children that need you or perhaps children aren't in your future). Also what about the men and women that somehow don't meet someone to spend the rest of their lives with? Is it there fault?
I do want kids and hope to have some one day (just wanted to add that clarification). This is the reason that I am expressing an opinion on this topic. Because I don't care if this phase is majority or minority, I don't want to be a part of it.

The whole "new generation mommy mold" is gut wrenching to me.
Including but certainly not limited to:
Minivans, need I say more? I have never seen a more worthless handheld vacuum shaped waste of space. I have literally seen newbie moms that just had their first kid and they went and traded in their 5 seater Jeep Liberty for a minivan. Ok, so you got two extra seats and sliding doors? Anything else? Like does it have a cone of silence for the back seat or space replicator that magically provides food for the minions in the back or do those sliding doors turn into wings that make it fly getting you to that soccer practice quicker? Nope. Didn't think so. You got what you payed for. Save yourself the trouble and expense. Even if you have a basic sedan car, if you just had one kid then the same vehicle you had before the baby will work just fine with one.

Soccer practice, music practice, and ballet classes - No your kids won't play/perform in their adult years, no they won't ever play that good and what did it get you? Hundreds of stressed out and frazzled days based on meeting the socialization tactics of our society. Hey here is a thought, go home make a nice dinner, sit on the couch and watch movie with the family or play a game of monopoly (educational, they learn to count, read, add, subtract and become ruthless survivors).

PO Mommies - Pissed off because some HONEST kid at school told their kid "there is no santa claus", If my kid was the one that told, I would give him friggin thumbs and tell them "You just saved some poor child from a lifetime of the sniveling blues". I dare you to call and try to make my kid apologize. That likes telling the parents to apologize for telling their kids the truth and teaching them to be honest.

Mommy dates, Mommy circles, Mommy night out, Breastfeeders Anonymous (ok I made that one up, but seriously think it probably exists). What? You need a group of these half nudist naturalists to make you feel better about yourself? Want to really feel better? Ask someone to babysit while you and your husband go out and have a civilized time, most definitely involving a drink or two. Never forget that you married your husband FIRST then you had kids. The priorities should always fall in that same order. Don't have kids to keep your marriage together or as a reason to have something to hold on to. Have them because you are in love and want to share that love with a child.

Public breastfeeders - Yes, when I get to go out to eat I most definitely want to hear "suckeling" sounds from the booth next to me. When my husband and I go shopping and he has to awkwardly look away because some dense frizzed out naturalist has half her shirt off while feeding the baby. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that because you have given the gift of life that you are allowed to be nude. So, since I haven't given the gift of life, would you be offended if I decided to walk into a restaurant wearing a bra as my top? Or would you judge me and say that it is immodest and inappropriate.  I don't judge moms that publicly feed their babies because it is disgusting or nasty. I am judging because it is inappropriate. It is not fair to women that have growing young boys. They should not have to be subjected to this open nudity and then the parents have to explain it to them when they no doubt will ask questions.. There are very perverted and nasty people in our culture and you want to get offended if one of them stairs or gawks? I'm sorry, you opened yourself up for that. You put yourself in the position to be a sideshow. There are restrooms and there is the privacy of your own vehicle and there are bottles. I don't care if it takes hours to breastpump. Turn a movie on and hook that sucker up (no pun intend). Have a supply in the refrigerator. Or you know what yeah a little bit of formula once every now and then won't hurt your child. It won't be his main source of nutrition and NO it won't screw up his eating pattern.

Breastfeeding past 1 year - At this point you are doing it for yourself. Here are things that I have witnessed first hand. The children that are breastfed past the 1 year mark are whiney, dependent, have attachment issues and shows signs of wanting to be "fed" when they want comfort. And I state this in quotations because 90% of the time they aren't even eating they just want something to suck on for comfort. This should not be encouraged. They need to be independent, they need to know how to comfort themselves. Also by doing this you're creating a scenario where your children see it as they will be able to get what they want when they want. It is just like running to them as soon as they whimper or utter a tiny cry. You are babying them and letting them be in control. Another thing I have noticed is that moms who have attachment issues breastfeed for longer. They say it helps with the bonding, but it's really the mom who requires that bonding and she has a hard time letting go. The self appointed martyrdom that I mentioned early in this post comes into play at this point. It gives women/moms a feeling of purpose and they like having someone to depend on them.

A Hot Mess  - Parents who go into town looking like a hot mess and dragging their half dozen kids behind them, each with barely a year in between their ages. Again, I am not judging. I just don't want to hear the complaining. "I never get me time anymore", "These kids are driving me nuts", "I feel like have lost brain cells", "I can't keep up anymore", etc. Number 1, nobody ever told you that you have to start having kids the month you got married and have to keep having them on a yearly basis. Please don't tell me it's because you have religious views on using protection or in this case prevention. I don'ts support abortion, I feel like it is you that made the mistake and not the unborn child. So you have to pay the piper so to speak. However, you do have means to prevent against it, something that I don't consider wrong. Also, the kids learn to walk all over you, they feed of your frazzled and scatterbrained behavior. So, "the hot mess look" is self inflicted.

Stick a pacificer in her she's done! - Ok but seriously "let me PACIfy you moms", oh they''ll be fine, stick a paci in their mouth. Nothing is more annoying. IT MAKES THEM DEPENDENT AND WHINEY. Also, starts thumb sucking, finger sucking, hand sucking, blanket sucking (unbelievable what all it leads to). I don't care if the kid came out of womb with the thumb in their mouth, you are enabling and encouraging it by given them a pacifier. Harmless? I think not. And I quote
   "Despite what you might have heard, there's not much evidence that pacifiers cause nipple confusion (when breastfed babies forget the muscular mechanics of nursing from a real nipple). But there is plenty of evidence that pacifier use can throw a monkey wrench in long-term nursing patterns and even cut the duration of breastfeeding short. How? One theory is that a baby can spend so much time enjoying those unproductive (yet satisfying) sucks that she loses interest in the ones that maybe take a bit more effort but actually fill her tummy. And because your milk supply is dependent upon her sucking, those misplaced efforts might mean you won't be producing the milk she needs to satisfy her hunger." 
   "Being dependent upon the pacifier can mean less sleep for everyone, because babies who learn to go to sleep with a pacifier might not learn how to fall asleep on their own — and they might put up a sniffly fuss when the binky gets lost in the middle of the night (requiring weary Mom or Dad to get up and get it for them…each time the baby wakes up)."
   " If a baby gets attached to a binky, the habit can be a hard one to break — especially once your baby turns into a more inflexible toddler (when the continuing use of pacifiers is linked to recurrent ear infections and misaligned teeth). It can also become a bad habit for parents too; if you plunk in the pacifier at the first sign of a squall, the real reasons for baby's tears — a tummy ache, uncomfortable diaper, or just missing Mama — can be overlooked."
"No, No, No" works, SAID NO ONE EVER -  The parents that pop their kids hand lightly and say "no no no" as they continue to break your things and pour milk on your couch and otherwise disrupt the adults trying to have a conversation. This doesn't work. Seen it done. Seen it fail. I'd like to buy a vowel please? NO, but what you can buy is new couch for me that doesn't smell like sour milk because your 3 year old doesn't know how to listen. And by the way just so there is no confusion, spilling the milk by "accident" and tipping it upside down and shaking it vigorously, are two verrrrry different things.
"You'll understand when you have kids" - The parents that actually defend their child when that child just broke something in your home by saying "well you really shouldn't keep delicates and breakables within the child's reach" or my favorite "you'll understand when you have kids" (like some unspoken judgment, muahhhhhh I'll get you my pretty when you have your own kids"!!!!!). Sorry, not gonna fly in my house. You break it, you buy really I'm not kidding. 
and finally

OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder aka OCD Overly Compensating Dingbat -  The moms that actually decorate their house and tree for Christmas with all plastic, to child proof it (basically they are too lazy to stay on top of their kids and make sure they are behaving),

In conclusion. Myself and my siblings
Never rode in a minivan, we rode in a toyota corolla
Never had any soccer, ballet or music lessons
We were the kids that told your kids, "There is no Santa Claus"
My mom never went and hung with mommy circles
My mom never fed in public, if she did it was with a bottle
My mom never went to town even for one errand without fixing her hair and makeup
My parents never owned a single pacifier, NOT one of us ever sucked our thumb, were whiny or had dependency issues
We NEVER touched anything in anyone else's home. We never once broke anything that didn't belong to us.
My parents love Christmas and have very delicate, expensive, collectible and glass decorations. Not once did any of them ever get broken by us. Yes, my mom put them out every year. whether we were 1 or 21, it didn't matter.

As for the title of my post, my husband and I enjoy married life. It is a beautiful thing and you don't have to jump into have kids right away to find it's purpose.

Happy Hump Day!

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